We’ve all been there. It’s that awkward situation when you come across an annoying Eurovision fan and you just have to nod along and smile. Moreover, more often than not surely we are all placed in one of these positions. But what are the ultimate type of repelling fans, the ones you would just want to slap on the face and get away from?

1. The encyclopaedia

Not only does he know more than anyone else, he will constantly point out how little everyone else knows (though this is always done in a subtle way). It’s the type of fan that will bring up very interesting facts like how many times the UK representative in 1958 went to the bathroom before going on stage. It’s the one that will not have understood that the previous sentence was a sarcastic example and the first thing that crossed their mind is that the UK didn’t participate in 1958.

2. The paranoid

This one can’t quite cope with the fact that his country didn’t make it to the final and comes up with one and a million reasons why Europe hate their country. It’s not that we have a crap song, it’s really that in that last international forum our prime minister looked weirdly at the King of Spain and therefore all of the Mediterranean countries gave us nul points.

3. The nationalist

The one whose country is incapable of producing any entry that is not sublime. The one that will delete you from social media if you dare say otherwise and, if you say it to their face, they might actually threaten physical harm.

4. The one topic wonder

The one who is incapable of holding an intelligent conversation about anything that is not Eurovision or Eurovision-related. This one will also find the way to steer all conversations back to Eurovision. If you are discussing politics in Botswana, they will be something like “yeah, terrible what happened in Botswana. All things happening in Africa are quite sad, really. Like what happened in Morocco last year. I really like Morocco, I can’t understand why they don’t participate. Speaking of countries that no longer participate…”.

5. The cynical

Yes, they like Eurovision but only for the laughs. There is really not much to take seriously about the contest and even though I devote all my free time to looking for news about the contest I really only do it because then I can crack up with all my other friends who are too cool to like Eurovision.

6. The perpetually angry

The one that can’t deal with things not going their way and, after their favourite act didn’t win the national final in Romania they go all “fuck this shit, I’m never ever watching Eurovision again”. Bonus anger points if the “wrong entry” actually wins the contest.

7. The nostalgic one

Absolutely everything in the old days was better. They want the orchestra back, the language rule, probably they’d love to have it in black and white. They want Yugoslavia to reunite. It’s gone too big. It’s turned too expensive. It’s really not what it used to be.

8. The master of denial

You know that song that no one really likes, that really hasn’t got much of a structure, that no poll predicts to do well, betting houses have it at 100000000/1 the day before the contest, has had terrible rehearsals… well, this fan thinks it will sail to the final and potentially end top 3.

9. The TV producer

You know how there is a team of experts taking care of every single detail of the production for it to be close-to-perfect? Well, this fan knows so much better because he took a course in first semester in uni that remotely relates to TV production and will speak for 27 hours about how he would incredibly improve the quality of what is being done by those silly pros.

10. The name dropper

The one that is incapable of having a conversation without mentioning the name of a member of a delegation. Little does it matter if it’s make-up assistant number 4 from San Marino, a point will be made of how great friends they have become since they spent 5 seconds next to the coffee machine in the press centre and Ms. makeup said that he liked the fan’s jumper.

11. The academy award winner

This is the paranoid’s depressive cousin. This one will not blame anyone (or won’t focus the emotions on blame) but rather will be thrown to a state of deep sorrow that not even a cocktail of Prozac and Ritalin will manage to control when his country’s flag doesn’t come up in the envelopes. He will put on a display of tears (with its corresponding speech) worthy of a nomination for an Oscar and will create a rather awkward atmosphere for all around them.

12. The closeted

These will die before admitting that they like the contest. They live a perfectly crafted double life which finds them conveniently busy at the time of any national final. Their friends are starting to wonder why ever year, for 6 weeks, from 8 to 10 pm (or until the end of time if there are shows in Malta) they are never available. Their significant others start to think they have an affair. If they bump into anyone they know at a Eurovision party they will claim that a friend asked them to join him. But never, under any circumstance, will the acknowledge that, in fact, they love the best show ever.

 

Keep it up and the rest of us will be left with no choice but…

Juuuuust saying…

The biggest Mexican Eurovision fan (that may be a lie, but hope no one will verify) now living in and loving London. Slightly sentimental which is why I love a good power ballad and sufficiently trashy to love a good (Suzy)shake. When not eurovisioning, the music closest to my heart is (almost always) in Spanish, and love everything by Laura Pausini, Rosana, Ricardo Arjona, Gloria Trevi, Pablo Alborán and many, many more... And I hate Estonia's 'Everybody'.

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