As another year of Junior Eurovision passes, we can reflect on one of what I believe is the key features of the contest – the bizarre array of topics that kids sing about. This is of course a good thing, children are young, and in general as yet untroubled by the world. It makes sense that the kinds of things they’d sing about would be less serious. Still, every now and then a song turns up with a title so strange, you have to double take.
Junior Eurovision’s head-scratching song titles
There are a few omissions from this list that could have made it, but I decided against. For example, there are a number of song titles in made up languages (Mari Dari, Eooo – Eooo) and a number that are just sounds things make (Click Clack, Bzz, Yodelo) that I decided to leave out and focus instead on the real head scratchers.
12. Netherlands 2004 – Klaartje & Nicky – Hij Is Een Kei (He Is a Boulder)
Klaartje and Nicky showed up to Lillehammer with a little song about a boy in their class called Bas that they both thought was awesome. Apparently the best way to communicate this in the Dutch language is to refer to him as a boulder. I feel like in most other languages this would be an insult, but apparently not in Dutch. So, while this is a very bizarre turn of phrase, it comes in at 12th for being at least a legitimate expression in their homeland.
11. Bulgaria 2015 – Gabriela Yordanova & Ivan Stoyanov – Colour of Hope
Now there is definitely a trope of song titles that are super vague in Junior Eurovision and there are so many vague song titles that could have taken this spot, but this one is by far the least discernable in terms of meaning. Feelings don’t have colours guys, that’s right, this literally means nothing at all. Let that sink in guys. We’ve been had.
10. Ukraine 2007 – Ilona Halytska – Urok Hlamuru (Glamour Lesson)
Now I was a gay teenager in the 2000’s so I’ve seen enough Anne Hathaway films to know the basic plot of this song. Still, this is definitely a weird song. Right? It’s not just me is it? Also who is giving her this glamour lesson? To me it looks like her backing dancers are just ripping her clothes off and that seems a lot less like a glamour lesson and more like school yard bullying. Say no to bullying!
9. Albania 2012 – Igzidora Gjeta – Kam një këngë vetëm për ju (I Have a Song Just for You)
Our girl Igzidora has a song just for us, isn’t that nice of her! But wait, is her song for us all about the fact that she has a song? I feel like this is when you had to write a story in a creative writing class and you wrote it on the fact you had to write a story. Or even worse, is the song she has for us a different song and she’s not giving it to us right now? WHERE IS OUR SONG IGZADORA?!
Now I am going to give Igzidora a slight break here because the meta action of singing a song about singing songs is a tried and tested trope, but this is an extra layer of confusing.
8. Poland 2003 – Katarzyna Żurawik – Coś mnie nosi (I’m Wearing Something/Something Carry Me)
I think it is fair to say that Polish is a complicated language, and four lines into this song you know that Katarzyna has a lot to say. After consulting with a few Polish people on what this song title might best translate to, it was settled on either “I’m Wearing Something” or “Something Carry Me”. Since all possible translations of this song title were weird, this is on the list for being a LEGITIMATELY STRANGE song title born of a LEGITIMATELY STRANGE language.
7. Georgia 2012 – Funkids – Funky Lemonade
Now I don’t know about what your friends were like growing up, but some of my school friends were pretty gross. So when I hear a song called ‘Funky Lemonade’ – my mind instantly assumes that the song is about pee.
It’s a song about pee isn’t it? Gross you guys.
6. Latvia 2011 – Amanda Bašmakova – Moondog
I have a lot of questions about this one. Is this a dog that lives on the moon? Or is it a dog that is orbiting the earth like a moon? Does this Moondog have a cute little doggy space suit? If so, who is feeding this Moondog? Where does he pee? On a Moontree? Is his pee the Funky Lemonade the Funkids were singing about? (Gross you guys). I bet it’s a French Bulldog, those guys are cute as heck.
5. Serbia 2006 – Neustrašivi Učitelji Stranih Jezika (Fearless Foreign Language Teachers) – Učimo Strane Jezike (We Are Learning Foreign Languages)
Sometimes kids are just super literal. They haven’t been beaten down by the pressures of the world, so when they’re writing songs, sometimes it’s literally about the things that they are doing. This is all well and good until you realise that the band name is suggesting that they are teachers. Now I don’t know what kind of scam these kids are running where they are teaching foreign languages while trying to learn them also, but I’m onto you – although on further reflection, this happened 11 years ago, so maybe I’m not that onto them.
4. Macedonia 2015 – Ivana Petkovska and Magdalena Aleksovska – Pletenka (Braid of Love)
By the time we got to 2015, in most instances songs were no longer being written entirely by the kids. Occasionally however they would pop up and you could always tell which ones they were, because they were the strangest. I’m not sure whose choice it was to have the entire song in Macedonian aside from the final line, a shouted “LET’S MAKE A BRAID!” but I genuinely don’t care. Kids sing about dumb stuff and that should be celebrated. So, let’s make a braid, dammit!
3. Macedonia 2011 – Dorijan Dlaka – Žimi Ovoj Frak (I Swear On My Tailcoat)
A few years ago I had to do jury duty and I was asked to swear on a Christian bible that I would be honest and do my best to uphold justice within the Australian legal system. I’m not too familiar with religion in Macedonia, so I am assuming based on this that Macedonian showbusiness teens have developed their own religion that involves them swearing on their tailcoats. I feel like this new religion involves a lot less being judgemental, and a lot more jazz hands. Where do I sign up?
2. Spain 2004 – María Isabel – Antes muerta que sencilla (I’d Rather Be Dead Than Plain)
You know that popular rich girl at school who was kind-of mean to everyone but still everyone wanted to be her friend? I imagine María Isabel to have been that kid. And yes, that kid would rather have been dead than plain. I remember finding her somewhat brattish back in 2004, however it is now 2017 and I have watched a lot of Drag Queen based reality TV since then so I guess all I can say is YASS KWEEN. WERK THAT FAN GUUURL.
1. Albania 2017 – Ana Kodra – Don’t Touch My Tree
10-year-old Ana Kodra came to Tbilisi with one aim in mind – to make sure that nobody touched her tree. Don’t touch her tree. Just don’t do it. Why you may ask? That’s not important. Ana asked you not to touch her tree and look, you probably should just not touch the tree.
Just don’t touch the tree, guys.
Do you agree with me? Are there stranger song titles out there that I missed? Have you seen where I parked my car? Let us know!